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hello. [09 Sep 2004|03:18pm]
dear dear dears,

i will not be writing here no mo.'

however, i want to avoid complete deletion as it clearly states in my info: this isnt a journal, this is where i keep things that i dont want to lose. so upon discovery of a tidy niche inside microsoft word to keep my ramblings, i will scram completely. farewell comrades!
9 comments|post comment

they are so plastique [19 Aug 2004|09:25pm]
i am so tired of their honesty, your
big pink heart in their sand dollar hands

it just bloodies me
is there a reason for this
i have wondered

of you
grittily, tepidly soaking
the scars on your stomach
a warm bath, the sponge-tip of your
laughter, oh i have thought

of you covering your mouth
opening & closing the sky

i imagine you at seven
blowing spit bubbles.
as i tap my fingers to your heart beats.

i have been determined, deterred
reconciled diminished
defiled, objective subjective
covered in disbelief, i have
searched and searched your marrow

sucked and swished it
against my teeth, gargled it
touched it to my uvula
doused it in flame, scorched it, saved the ash
and never scattered it,
scrunched it like an accordion
into my pockets

walked the wobbly edges of Capri
coddled distance
holding its hand in mine

i have sung to you in closets: i have been
a nightingale, maybe all along

flicking against steel strings, tightening
and loosening my body
to accommodate you

i have told you stories
& stayed silent for the war of it,
tugged the sleeves of your silo
stubbed my toes on memories
of you.

hung myself from the gallows
of June, found you in languages i never
knew existed

and needed you, abruptly harshly
and truly

loved you undaunted
in full circles
walked around myself
over and over the lines
while you stood in the center
and held out your arms

i divided and multiplied you
in one movement brushed you to the side
and pulled you to me: i have
feigned magnetic, held you
in the flesh, then in dreams
like iron
in a pool under my tongue
tasted and smelled you for days

scraped the tears from your face like
clay from a sculpture, with love.
forever building.

walked into your valleys and never
walked out

oh how you shifted
from one thought to the other
told me of your father's diagrams
the buildings in which you photographed

ivory and covered in sleep the ways
you have hurdled
counted sheep and waited
for the rain, taken me
to the front of myself, learned me
without question
traced the axis's of my body

climbing my barricades and i
in the dark
clumsily navigating
your map


i have been devoured and devious
i have been past the core

i have been the only one left
i have been the only one
i have lived with you, lost my footing
and loved with you

found and kept and shouldered
you like a tangent,
gone quietly

and unquietly
into Autumn
with you

i have been discovered wandering
the avenues west of center
younger than i've ever been i have
added you to my body
added you to paper,
remembered you
in songs & letters
even though you slept
next to me

i have
been both first and last
like bookends i have kept you
on the shelf, raided you and braided you
like hair i have found you silver
cut down to the skin

scrupulously untied you
strung you around my neck derailed
you i have learned

now: i love
without rest
without shade like new
i love! equally and unequally
down so many paths
to the same place

i have simply come
naked as night, to tell you the story:
you may already know it
but i keep writing it

like there is nothing else in the world to write.
15 comments|post comment

99999 [13 Aug 2004|08:40pm]
Milan Kundrea will tell you all in an ever so delicate poetic fashion that trying to define one's self is futile. Outsiders define us, and our idea about our definition is ultimately tainted by that very thing: a rippling reflection of ourselves in a pool of water of which we choose the most outer abstracted rings of images to be the truest reflection of ourselves. This false imago is a watered down ontology that is no more to the human spirit than tax forms and sitcoms. Ive given up on defining myself, or maybe I just sold myself a long time ago to the subcultures rehashed by Urban Outfitters and Target. All I am is a drab section of the bibliography of the biographies written about someone else's life that will inspire a teenager with an overbite in Maine and a man in China looking at a water bug he's caught in a jar from the water drenched rice fields of his village. This is my abstraction, my excuse for apathy. I try to rationalize it like Elridge Cleaver tried to rationalize raping White Women to justify his "black rage" in Soul On Ice. It's just difficult for me to rest my head with age, weeding through bad memories to find the solace of blue book bed time stories, chalk, and merry go rounds: pure, too simple to need definition.
1 comment|post comment

dear dear dear dear [13 Aug 2004|08:10pm]
dear _______,

i am in your room while you work, not tempted to go through your things, though i wonder if you are worrying about that.  i am in your room alone for hours eating your captain crunch "all berries" and i dont really mind the awkwardness, at the end of the day, you are here and so am i.  how could you ever doubt that i love you?  i am eating the captain crunch you had bought one day after hearing it was my favorite.  how could i ever doubt that you love me?  

so, folks dont think much of me. BUT do they know i can sing the canadian national anthem? do they know i can make 10 minute rice in 7 minutes? do they know i can name all 22 administrative division regions of france? do they know i know the answer to why a raven is like a writing desk? do they know a fish hook went through my ear at age 7 as it was hanging from a tree and i lived to tell about it? and, do they know i love the goddamn hell out of you?

love -
2 comments|post comment

and, [04 Aug 2004|06:28pm]
there's no sense in feeling heartbroken. but i left my sense in the airport vending machine last thursday. needing change needing so much change.
13 comments|post comment

revised [04 Aug 2004|01:33am]
Okay, so here is your tentative list for a mixtape from yours truly. NOW YOU GIVE ME ONE. if you want to.


ps - some titles may be off, as i am unreliable.

jefferson starship - we built this city
freur - doot doot
the cure - six different ways
rolling stones - she smiles sweetly
chris isaak - baby did a bad thing
belle and sebastian - if youre feeling sinister
coco rosie - by your side
butterfly boucher - another white dash
mirah - dancing in the dark (cover)
kinnie starr - alright
bright eyes - bowl of oranges
talking heads - water flowing under (?)
matt pond pa - measure 3
mirah - cold cold water
mineral - unfinished
damien rice - cannonball
spirituality - ladies and gentleman, we are floating in space
joseph arthur - in the sun
13 comments|post comment

22222222 [02 Aug 2004|10:59pm]
late afternoon breeds paper napkin ideologies penciled out in cafe's. not the fashionable cafe's, soggy french toast cafes, where the edges of your plate smell like the waitress's last cigarette break. my order is less complicated than usual because ive been reduced by the setting, i want to call myself patty. patty blue elastic sweatpants. patty mcdonalds happy meal watches. patty back window stuffed animal decorations. patty beige bathtub. patty would know odd facts about an nfl sports team and she would sink her sundays deep beneath the patched couch cushions of the lazy boy. her furniture obviously would not match and she would never feel uneasy about that. i wrote a letter to the CIA, it took me 5 napkins, but i figured it would save them time if they ever were to start a file on me. i hear the CIA is very busy.

Dear CIA,

My plans are to move to Greece and rally attentions to the ideas of self management of Andre Gorz and the progressive left ideology of Nicos Poulantzas along with implementing a base to call for farmers reforms as Boze did in France.

I don't care to spend any energy or time to rally for change within the US. Anyone can see that the structure of the working class has been so fragmented that the striking or stoppage of work in one plant can simply be rerouted to another. It's also very clear that invention of micro management over the last 10 years has given the false impression to white collar class of this country that they are in fact in charge of their work environment. The actuality of the situation is that U.S. capitalism has created with intent, a working class -- both blue collar and white collar, which cannot control the means of production. Now these observations aren't to hint at any pessimism about not being able to re energize the conscience of the working class -- no it simply alludes to the best path needed to accomplish the overthrowing of the American Bourgeois and it's symbiotic Government. A route which the US Government knows all too well exists as we have seen in the actions of the CIA involvement in Guatemala during Allen Dulles years of the
CIA director -- or in the United States and Britain's involvement in the Greek Military Junta.

I hope this has been of some service to you.


i laughed so hard at my napkins when i was finished that i started to choke. there i was, a laughing choking spectacle in the middle of thee diner, a fish flapping around on an old boat, as if my life had turned into some sort of involuntary refuge. like a wounded stinking fish oozing against your children's tiny bare feet, i realized the setting hadnt reduced me, i had reduced the setting.
13 comments|post comment

11 [02 Aug 2004|03:09pm]
in august
the sun dress
of his
and clings
to her
the sun
in the
of the

next august
next august
d est r o y



sun dresses

to hide
from September

buried in
in an attic.


just this year.
10 comments|post comment

okay? [24 Jun 2004|01:21am]
My friend's away message, I really dont understand it much, but god did it ever make me choke on my low cal beer:

"IM SCARED OF PIG/RABBIT!!! my sister got it, i dunno what it called so mom put it on my boob and i was SCREAMMMMM cuz i scared of that animal. then that animal was crawl under my hair and i keep screammm then mom said shhh!!! that baby so i said so!?! GET IT OUT OF MY ROOM!!! then mom said "calm down" and she keep watching me hold that one and i keep scared and screammmmmmmm then mom took it and said that animals wont bite me but i said yes would! mom rolling eyes and laughing then leave. ahhh "

(he is a gay, gay man)
4 comments|post comment

The usual player hating. [24 Jun 2004|01:02am]
Allow me to be immature for a moment and give a much delayed assessment of the Reagan hoopla:

Ronald Reagan is dead, I know dis. However, just because someone dies does not mean you make them out to be something they never were. All I saw for a week were television shows praising his presidency and all of the wonderful things he did for this country.

Ten unbiased reasons why I cannot praise Reagan simply because he died:

1. He lived a long full live that some of the victims of his homophobia and bigotry never got the benefits of doing. You know the whole ignore AIDS thing that happened back in 80's, because it's just a "gay disease." Yep, never affects straight people at all. Nope. Nothing to see here, move along.

2. Ketchup as a vegetable. Do I even have to go into this people? The man was senile in office.

3. The image of the "Welfare Queen." You know those chicks who live in the ghetto who just happen to be black who have tons of children for bigger checks and drive cadillacs. Nevermind that during this time and Reagan's time the majority of women on welfare are white. The white southern woman in fact. Think about it! And, I'm not going to demonize people on welfare because I believe that there are people who need welfare. I hate him just as much as I hate Bush who is going to cut funding for section 8 housing. Which means where do poor people go? Where do they turn the mentally ill? To the fucking streets. Food stamp reductions and all this shit. Well people who whine about your taxes being taken to take care of poor people. Here's a little information for you, the percentage of your check that goes to help "people sucking up you taxes" is likely to be no more than 3 dollars. In fact you're looking at a range of about 10 cents to 3 dollars. Woohoo, what were you going to do with that? By yourself a shiny new pack of baseball cards to put in the spokes of your SUV? If you think welfare is so awesome, you try living on 140 bucks per month with a kid.

4. Tax credits for segregated schools. I understand Reagan it's hard to believe that people should want to be together and "kick it" as the kids are saying or that they would want to "cold chill like a villain" with each other. Plus who needs to get rid of racism when we can just feed into it until there's an all out race-war and machetes are handed out like vaccinations. I mean why would people want to learn at the same rate as everyone else? Or even be treated equally? I think it's pretty obvious that the civil rights movement was just about people pretending to want to be equal. Yeah, now that's the ticket.

5. All those tax cuts for the rich in an attempt to make a "Trickle Down" economy. You know what I think really trickled down? The working class hating Reagan. Yeah cause see first you start at the top and then you give all the rich people tax cuts which will stimulate the economy. Sound familiar? Right we're going through that right now. The only problem with that is that at some point there is no trickle down. It never gets to 1) The working class and 2) the poor. They get to work harder without reaping the benefits of a "good economy."

6. $640 Pentagon toilet seats Because those trifling S.O.B's just couldn't sit their flabby asses on regular toilet seats. I'm pretty sure there was a home depot in the area that could have saved them oh, I don't know 600 dollars. In fact how many toilet seats are there in the pentagon? During the 80s $640 was hard to come by even as a wage, you know with minimum wage still being somewhere like 3 to 4 dollars. But then again it was the welfare queens that were milking the system.

7. Massacres in El Salvador.

8. Killing in Lebanon which left over 80 civilians dead. CIA sponsored car-bombing in Lebanon. Because? Why?

9. Education cuts. But what do we need to know book learnin' fer?

10. Telling people that the Russians were going to get us if we didn't act first and we needed nuclear production or else. It sounds sort of similar to another "Saddam is getting ready and could be ready within a few years to launch another terrorist attack against Americans" eh? I guess history does repeat itself.

I'll throw in a bonus people...

11. Remember, it's the trees that cause pollution.

So to all of those people out there saying, "But this is someone's father and grandfather." If he was my grandfather I'd probably be the last to find out about him because, you know, I generally don't hang around people that decide to have millions of "brown skinned" people massacred and let "queer" people die. I cut them out. I'd have been the "estranged" granddaughter. And my grandfather would have never been so cruel because he was not a bitter old man, who sought to impose his Christianity and self righteousness on the world. And neither was he a spendthrift. (and, yes I'm aware that sentences aren't supposed to start with and, but I can do that because I'm the colonel).

P fucking S. I know this rant is late, but I am a busy girl. And, its better late than never.

PPS. I am not heartless. I hate him just as much dead as I hated him alive. Its like praising mother fucking Trent McRacist when he died.

PPPS. Do you guys like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain?

PPPPS. Generally you're only supposed to have one ps and a pps is acceptable but these other ps's are just rubbish. I should be flogged.
1 comment|post comment

Sweat and Shiver your way to a healthier you. [14 Jun 2004|01:04am]
so, i came across this on the internet. pay close attention to what i have bolded for you so that you pay close attention to it:

Red Line™
Multi-System Rapid Fat Loss Catalyst

Finally, a fat burner that busts the thermogenic and energy producing envelope wide open and that's only the beginning!

Check out this freaky scientific VPX breakthrough: RED LINE™: is the only matrix ever developed to shred fat through the shivering response in the body. By shivering the body burns huge amounts of stored bodyfat for energy in an effort to keep the body warm. That's not all! In addition to shivering, you'll also be sweating up a thermogenic storm. The combined mechanisms of these two processes results in unparalleled fat loss!

In less than 5 minutes you'll feel the fast acting power of RED LINE'S™ fat destroying and energy producing compounds racing through your blood. Just think; when have you ever been guaranteed results in 5 minutes? Were so sure that you'll know its for real in less than five minutes that were giving a FREE sample to the first 1000 people who log on to vpxsports.com. The staff at VPX has felt the FREAK of REDLINE™ and we want you to feel it too.

VPX's understands your need to take fat loss to a new level and your craving to get that killer "jacked-up" burst of energy that supercharges your workouts and life? RED LINE™ by VPX has the power to deliver those results at maximum SPEED!

Get some today and push your fat loss and energy levels to the RED LINE™!


Okay, first of all, whoever writes this shit is on a massive mother fucking amount of SPEED. Or maybe just a massive amount of "Red Line." Of course typing in between the shivering and sweating up storms of thermogenic things. Honestly, what the fuck? What's next people trying to lose weight by eating red meat covered with cheese like there was no tomorrow? ITS FINE AS LONG AS IT HAS NO BREAD ON IT. Oh wait ..
7 comments|post comment

aasdf [06 Jun 2004|05:01pm]
Story de jour:

I met a man (when i was walking to get food) a few days ago that had AIDS. His wife got AIDS from her dentist. But they met eachother at 5 and 6 and got married at 15 and 16. His wife died in March. He told me that when his wife died he just left their house, covered everything in white sheets, and only goes back there to check the mail. He is living on the street because he has nothing to live for anymore. Then at the end of the conversation he said that he had AIDS. Then he said, "Don't worry, you can't get it from shaking hands with me." I said, "I know." So we shook hands. Then the man said, "Thanks for talking to me. It gets lonely out here sometimes."
15 comments|post comment

this is long. [24 May 2004|05:26pm]
As I sit here listening to Johnny Cash (well because you know that's what I'm about), I read over an argument that was happening in one community that I'd just joined. Which was about another community that I'm not a member of and I think I'm not a member for a good reason? I can't possibly see myself interacting with these people and there is a level of disgust I feel just thinking about it. The actions of certain members are exactly the preconceived notions that keep people like myself away from joining movements that we may actually care about for fear we will even lumped into the same category as those people. But the argument was about whether white trash was a racist/classist term or not. Or at least that's what it turned into. I went to visit the person's journal that made the comment and noticed an entry titled 'Yet another reason white people are inferior' ...uhm..yeah... see I don't think I'd want to be involved with anyone who has those views. And while it is understandable that people feel white people cannot be victims of racism. I think when you start to break it down on pecking order you will see that while whites cannot be victims of certain racisms by minorities they definitely can be victims of bigotry and classism from their own 'white' cohorts (and by minorities and that may or may not be reactionary. The fact is it still exists). And that is what the term white trash is about. Those who use it and live in those socio economic levels do not use it to call themselves actual trash but may even be reclaiming the word. Trying to let people know that they will not be shamed into feeling inferior because they may not have had the same opportunities as their white counterparts who are not considered 'trash'. Why does that bother me so much? Why wouldn't it? In a movement about equality when people want to separate movements and fight for one cause and not the other it specifically speaks to the selfishness of individuals and the self righteousness of those involved.

Trying to justify the usage of a racist/classist term when the term is used to as an insult with the specific purpose of insulting is backwards. It's not what a movement should be about. When black people reclaimed and try to reclaim 'nigga' that was not to say they were calling each other 'nigger' and when people make that argument we can tell exactly where they are going with that. They want to use that to justify their usage of the word. 'Well they call themselves that. Why can't I?' So when socio -economically privileged people call other people who are not privileged white trash the message is loud and clear that it is an insult or that a mannerism is white trash it is an insult. Because the idea of white trash specifically speaks to classist actions against people who are not the 'kind of white' we can respect or that other white people can respect. They are not the 'good upstanding white people' we always hear about. They are 'one step up' from a 'minority' and that's what it's really about in the pecking order. They are looked at with disgust and not admiration. And when we stick to notions like that we not only perpetuate racism and classism we make contribute to the cycle that makes it okay for us to degrade people based solely on economic disparities. Which feeds into the 'stupid are poor and lazy' and the 'maybe they should just try harder if they want to succeed' memes. And if we're going to start dismantling shit, we can't if we use the same tools that the oppressors have used to oppress others. I can't remember who said it but the phrase goes, "The oppressed make the best oppressors.'" It's completely fucking true We are excellent at using those tools and I bet it feels really great to exercise that power over someone.

But one of the reasons I was really bothered by it was it specifically tapped into something personal for me. My good friend is a straight white male and he understands that privilege and during his childhood was considered white trash. His mother lost her leg in a motorcycle hit and run accident. They lived on government assistance. His mother's social security check for both children was $1.07 each while the cost to print the actual check was $7. His father left to live in Miami and was an alcoholic leaving his sister and him to be raised by their grandparents. He grew up in a town named Homestead which was very poor. Everyday they ate butter and bread sandwiches or spaghettios. He was living below poverty level. Then he went to live with his mother again while living in an affluent suburb of Florida (Sarasota). While he was there he had friends that were the sons of doctors, lawyers, bankers. He began to understand that he was less fortunate. Is his childhood a reason to dismiss his valid opinions? Does his childhood speak of a mentality he may have? Or may be carrying with him? When he says he is proud to be white trash or that he is from white trash he is not accepting that as a slur. He is accepting that as what society labeled him and in fact saying that he is not ashamed of his heritage of the place he came from of the people he associated with or the life he live. If we begin to rob people of their dignity based solely on things they could not control or even things that our enemies will use against us, how are we any better than them? When my friend says he is white trash it is not an insult to himself. He does not view 'white trash' with disgust. The things he learned as 'white trash' have taught him a level of humanity that most people who can flippantly use the term to insult or take those really nice vacations and never receive food stamps from the government may never understand.

So fuck it, I won't pussyfoot around it's true we should toughen the fuck up, but you know what else? Part of being tough says that I can get in your face and tell you when you fucked up and then rub your nose in it like a bad pet owner. You were wrong. You did a bad bad thing!

Ps. How can I get tough if my mom says I'm charming?

PPs. If you touch it you're going to get burned. You will get smoked like various tasty meats in the smokehouse! Sizzle. I'm serious. You will be the crispy creme donut to my deep fryer.
7 comments|post comment

ohandtheresanothersilence [21 May 2004|01:23am]
serial killer quotes
in the mouths of
roller skate girls

a child
in portland

his first orgasm
dictates the heart attack
of a mother
breast feeding her child
in kenya

in purgatory

and they both
let out a wet laugh
and spill their tea

burning the faces
of ann sexton
and sylvia plath
a level below


says burroughs

"that was awfully good tea"
12 comments|post comment

ha ha ha ha ha. YES. [26 Apr 2004|12:53pm]
This Is Actually Real, Click Me For The Love of God

i like faggots on their own, as a snack, too.
4 comments|post comment

eeeee [18 Apr 2004|09:23pm]
Urgent_Stare: you know what the internet is going to lead to?
Urgent_Stare: like
epilepsy disco: tell me
Urgent_Stare: molecule transporters!
Urgent_Stare: like beam me up things!
epilepsy disco: hahahaha
Urgent_Stare: because, thats eventually what people will need. transportation simply wont be fast enough.
Urgent_Stare: i cant imagine.
Urgent_Stare: in 100 years.
Urgent_Stare: it still taking 10 days to drive to cali from ny.
Urgent_Stare: or whatever.
epilepsy disco: ok. so, shut up.
12 comments|post comment

ignore the story itself.. [16 Apr 2004|03:24pm]
HIV Scare Shuts Down California Porn Productions
Industry Puts Itself Under Two-Month Moratorium After Two Actors Test Positive

An adult film actress is screened for HIV Thursday in California.

LOS ANGELES (April 16) - An AIDS scare prompted adult movie companies to halt production and bar dozens of performers from the set after two actors tested HIV-positive.

At least 45 actors and actresses were under a voluntary work quarantine and about a dozen companies were adhering to a voluntary two-month moratorium until new HIV tests are completed, industry experts said.

''It's very scary,'' said Mary Carey, a porn star who ran for governor of California last fall. ''This is kind of a wake-up call for everybody.''

Carey said she had not worked with the infected actor but as a precaution, she was canceling a lesbian porn shoot.

hi, yeah, could you back up to the porn star governer for a second? is running for governer of california just a fashionable thing to do now?
9 comments|post comment

------ [12 Apr 2004|11:45am]
what Queen Victoria wrote to her pregnant daughter:

Abstractedly, I have no tendre for them [babies] till they have become a little human; an ugly baby is a very nasty object-and the prettiest is frightful when undressed-till about four months; in short as long as they have their big body and little limbs and that terrible frog-like action.

ha ha. say no to babies.

6 comments|post comment

1111 [11 Apr 2004|06:52pm]
something about doves:
something about obituaries:
something about
the trajectory
of children
on swin g s :

something about saline drips:
something about ma gen ta
crayons: something about
now: something

something about che's corpse
on display
something about the sugar content
of coke
in a

something about breathing:
something about brunettes
something about mouthing curses
at her
underneath the
b l a n k e t s

something about serial numbers
comicbooks rehab centers girls
with cuts on their lips: something
bar bathroom mirrors:
something about
something I forgot:
something bigger than the calories
in your krispy kreme
something made out of crayons
and construction paper
somewhere on a fridge
in Pennsylvania

something about dopamine:
something about ed geins
ted bundys and walter mondales:
something about religion:
something about teeth marks
on bic pens versus
teeth marks
on her neck:

something about you:
something about lavender lipstick:
something about borrowed books:

something about glass coke bottles:
something about thinking about my death bed:
something about
hoping i have
17 comments|post comment

garfield. [08 Apr 2004|08:03pm]
Who thought a live action Garfield movie was a good idea? What's up with the fucked up animation skills looking like a bunch of first year remedial graphic design students cranked out an all nighter before the 'big exam' for the 'final grade.' Does anyone even read the comic strip anymore? Do kids even know who Garfield is? When describing him to children, 'He's a fat cat that eats lasagna and is very lazy.' How do they know I'm not fucking talking about Dom Deluise or Luciano Pavarotti or any random guy at the Olive Garden?
17 comments|post comment

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